welcome to the craziness of 2012. jump right in.

wow! 2012 has started of to be a busy year. I sat here thinking through this post while a pot of soup was apparently burning on the stove. I started to type and smelled that oh-too-familiar scent of burning beans. whoops. Since switching to dried beans and getting a cast iron dutch oven I can’t tell you how many bags of beans I’ve destroyed. They are so much cheaper than the canned beans, but its easy to let them go and forget about them until your whole house smells like burntness. Time to light a candle and plan something else for dinner tomorrow night. :)

well, back to my original ramblings. 2012 has started out quite busy around the Riley household… we were in PA the week between Christmas for a cousin’s wedding and to visit my extended family. We left New Years Eve to drive home and after a few hours of sleep and a visit to the hospital (Ted’s grandma had a mini stroke but is doing okay now), we started on the Extreme Riley Home Makeover project. There have been several projects on our to-do list but we’ve decided it’s time to go ahead and get some of them done. Ted’s office has been upstairs in the 3rd bedroom and the room downstairs where our TV has been is kinda small when friends come over. So, we decided to rearrange… move the office downstairs into the room where the TV was, move the TV to the living room & the futon to the 3rd bedroom, move the drums from the living room to the new office, etc. Also included in this has been a significant amount of decluttering. :)

Well, I took two days off work to work on the projects and then Wednesday we finished the major reshuffling. We went to care group and almost immediately afterwards I started feeling sick. I caught some bad combination of a head cold (or sinus infection, not sure which) and a stomach bug. So, there went the rest of my week (and weekend)… spent between the bed, the couch and the potty. :( Finally today I’ve started feeling better. Which is good because tomorrow I go back to work.

Ted and I have also started a Biggest Loser challenge group on Facebook. We both would like to get back to where we were when we got married, and especially for me, last year was hard on my body… I’d love to just have more energy and feel better overall, so our goal is to workout 4 times a week. We’ll be doing weekly weigh ins and challenges. :) So far, I’m down 4.4 lbs! I’m sure some of that is due to the fact that I’ve been sick the past few days, but we’ve also really been monitoring our food & going to the gym (earlier in the week before I was sick). I’d love to be back to my goal weight during this season of Biggest Loser. Its something we talked about last season but never had the motivation. I figured nothing motivates you more than posting your pictures, weight and measurements to a whole group of 30+ friends! Yikes. humbling to say the least. But hopefully this time we’ll see results ;)

Our adoption training is this weekend! YAY! I know its only been 3 months since our orientation, but it feels like so long! We are praying that God continues to open doors for DSS adoption and we are praying that He leads us clearly to the children he wants for our family. At this point we are looking for a sibling group of 2 or 3, ages 7 and under. After our training this and next weekend, we’ll have to have a physical, get fingerprinted, turn in our paperwork and then wait for the homestudy and home inspections to be scheduled.

So, lots going on here. God seems to be at work in many areas. We’re looking forward to seeing what He does…

Christmas cookie yumminess

Thanks to God healing me of my gluten allergy back in April, this was the first year in many that I was able to have Christmas cookies. So, I volunteered to be the one to make Christmas cookies this year for my family. Here was what we got! yum!

in a storm but not alone

My child, do not be afraid. Every day of your life was ordered before you were even born. I was faithful then, to call you to me before you desired me, before you knew me, before you lived for me. I loved you first. There is no need now for you to be afraid in this storm.

What is the worst that could happen to you? Death? I am the God who is faithful to old age, even to death. A lack of answers of clarity? I am the God who knows all. No answer is hidden from me. Darkness? No direction visible to you? I am the God who leads the blind along unknown paths. Loneliness? I am the God who will never leave you. Pain beyond your ability to handle? I am the God who gives strength to the youth who are weak and faint. I am He who provides grace to the weary and help to the tired.

What is it you fear that I in my power am unable to provide? You could bring care after care to me until you have no more and still every care will find a balm in my healing and help. Every need is provided in me. I love you.

Do not doubt my care because my hand is pruning. Do not doubt my love as you feel the winter’s cold wind blow. You are precious to me and I will protect and care for you through every storm. Rejoice, sweet chosen, adopted and dearly loved child of mine, for through this trial and pain, you are seeing the benefit of years of plenty. Now, when it seems there is no fruit on your tree, you are learning that your roots do indeed go deep and this faith I called you to only a few short years ago, that faith is real. It is being tested even now and it is standing firm. Be encouraged, my child, I am producing growth. This trial is bringing endurance and the more you see my hand at work through the unknown, you will grow in faith and hope.

My Son, Jesus, who died to bring you to me, is praying for you right now. He is standing here saying “Father, forgive her weakness, forgive her lack of faith. Be satisfied in her struggle. Look to my payment and be satisfied.” And you know, child, I am fully and completely satisfied with that payment on your behalf.

So come to me, in your weakness, nakedness and need, confident in my affection and care for you. Even now, when you don’t know what to say, my Spirit is also praying for you. He is interceeding on your behalf, interpreting your tears and pain and carrying your woes before my throne of grace. So, child, cry. Cry out to me.

I loved David and I loved to see his dependence on my power as expressed so often through his tears. Cry, even when there seem to be no words. The Spirit of God is carrying those cries directly to me. They are not lost. I am listening and my arm has never been too short to save. Be confident, in the midst of this trial, of my unchanging faithful love to you.

The steadfast love I showed to your fathers, the guidance to Abraham, the protection to David, the redemption for Jonah, the transformation for Rahab, the love that did not forsake Naomi, that provided for Ruth, and that blessed Hannah…sweet child, I am that same God. And I offer those same things to you. I would delight and joy in you coming to me in hope and faith, not cowering in fear. Judgment is paid. Freedom is yours. Live there. Rejoice there. I will never forsake.

But when you feel forsaken, remember my promises. When you feel tempted beyond your strength to endure, remember I will empower you to stand firm against every attack of the evil one. Even Satan is under my control; there is no need to fear his attacks.

Rest. Rest in the storms, for I hold you safe. I never slumber and darkness does not blind me, as it does you. Don’t you see? I want you to be free, not bound by fear. This trial is producing sweet freedom as you are learning of my sovereign care and provision. Like I said to the shepherds the day I sent my son “do not fear.”. Like I told the disciples the day my Son left them and returned to Me… “do not fear.”

And now you join their ranks…the ranks of the weak and helpless of this world whom I have chosen and loved. “Do not fear.” “This trial was given to you as a gift from a hand of love. Though you do not understand the purpose of the gift you do know the hand. You have seen my care and love proved time and time again to you.

And now, sweet child though you do not understand why, take this gift of pain, suffering and confusion and accept it as a good thing given by a Father who loves you. At this time in your life, what you desire is not a good gift. That is why I have chosen this. Won’t you rest in my arms? I can see tomorrow.

This “mistake” will make sense one day. And even if I never choose to show you the reason why, don’t forget I am using this to bring glory to myself and draw others to see my power displayed in you! Is that not enough? My power at work in you? That is why I don’t wnat you to fear. I know what will come tomorrow. And it is good. Rest. Rejoice. Lean on me. I will never ever let you go.”

Carried by God

This happy holiday season has been mixed with such incredible sadness for me. I rarely listened to Christmas music and we even took our tree down before Christmas had even come and gone. I’ve been so ready for 2011 to be over. Our baby Amos would have been due this week. It was hard to look to this season without remembering our loss.

We lost him in May and picked the name Amos for him (even though it was too early to know the gender) because the name means “carried by God.” We wanted to remember that though our baby was taken from us that he was carried from us by the hands of our loving God. Little did we realize at that point the double meaning that name would hold for us.

As I look back over 2011, it’s definitely been a year where I’ve been carried by God as well… Carried through financial struggles and job losses, three miscarriages, the death of my grandfather and several other family members and friends, a diagnosis of infertility as a complication of the miscarriages, chronic lower back/hip and ear pain (even as I write this) and intense bouts of depression, doubts and questioning.

Ted and I were talking earlier about how this past year seemed defined in many ways by our miscarriages and fertility struggles. While I agree that it has been the biggest struggle of the year, and probably one that I talked about and focused on way more than I should have, when we look back at 2011, we can’t help but see God’s faithful care for us all over the place in the middle of it all too.

I’ve been so ready to move past the grief of 2011 that I can fail to see where God has been at work through my trials… And I don’t want to miss what He’s doing here.

He has surrounded me with amazing friendship and care. He’s placed me in groups where I can care for others because of what I’ve gone through. He’s given me an amazing leader and friend to walk this road with me. When I’ve felt alone, He’s sent along a random text message, hug or phone call to remind me that I’m not. Through the darkness this year has brought I’ve been carried by a God who is greater than the darkness.

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. Ps.139

Life…updated

800 posts and four years ago, I began this blog. Its been a cool way for me to journal the various paths and seasons I’ve walked through… Seasons of questions and migraines and singleness and marriage and miscarriages and various other issues. Through them all God has been so faithful. And this season is no different.

I’ve taken a break from blogging the past few months so that I could just focus on some other things that were needed. I also took a break from work after I lost my job in July so I could focus on getting my health back after the ectopic pregnancy in July. Well, yesterday I started a job again… I am working as a nanny 3 days a week for a 3 year old girl and a 10 week old boy. It’s been encouraging to see God be so faithful to lead Ted and I. I have applied for many jobs the past few months…several that looked like really strong possibilities.

As the weeks wore on and the savings account kept shrinking, it got really easy to question… Why God would you allow me to lose my job when you know we are trying hard to pay off bills? What are you doing in this season of waiting? Why aren’t you doing what makes sense to me?

And then last Thursday, we went to the adoption finalization for the Childs family… And I was talking with some friends about our needs. One of them mentioned this possibility… So, I emailed about it Thursday, met the mom and kids Friday and started Tuesday. If I had heard back sooner about the other jobs, this one would not have been a possiblility. and I really enjoy this job. I’m grateful God didn’t provide those other jobs…and though he doesn’t always explain why…I’m glad He made these steps clear, and that He sustained us in this time of waiting.

a cloud

Do not be afraid to enter the cloud that is settling down on your life. God is in it. The other side is radiant with His glory. “Think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you; but rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings.” When you seem loneliest and most forsaken, God is nigh. He is in the dark cloud. Plunge into the blackness of its darkness without flinching; under the shrouding curtain of His pavilion you will find God awaiting you.  –Selected
 
***
 
“Hast thou a cloud?
Something that is dark and full of dread;
A messenger of tempest overhead?
A something that is darkening the sky;
A something growing darker bye and bye;
A something that thou fear’st will burst at last;
A cloud that doth a deep, long shadow cast,
God cometh in that cloud.
 
Hast thou a cloud?
It is Jehovah’s triumph car: in this
He rideth to thee, o’er the wide abyss.
It is the robe in which He wraps His form;
For He doth gird Him with the flashing storm.
It is the veil in which He hides the light
Of His fair face, too dazzling for thy sight.
God cometh in that cloud.
 
Hast thou a cloud?
A trial that is terrible to thee?
A black temptation threatening to see?
A loss of some dear one long thine own?
A mist, a veiling, bringing the unknown?
A mystery that unsubstantial seems:
A cloud between thee and the sun’s bright beams?
God cometh in that cloud.
 
Hast thou a cloud?
A sickness–weak old age–distress and death?
These clouds will scatter at thy last faint breath.
Fear not the clouds that hover o’er thy barque,
Making the harbour’s entrance dire and dark;
The cloud of death, though misty, chill and cold,
Will yet grow radiant with a fringe of gold.
GOD cometh in that cloud.”
 
From Streams in the Desert by Spurgeon

moving on. bringing the scars with me.

“Moving on is a simple thing
What it leaves behind is hard
You know the sleeping feel no more pain
And the living all are scarred.”

Life is moving on whether I like it or not. I haven’t posted much because honestly some days lately just getting out of bed has been an accomplishment. Depression is a funny thing. It hits at random times. And for random reasons. And it has in many ways fought to take over my life.

I think I’m doing better. God has given me the most amazing friends and husband. They continually are patient and kind, and even greater than that, they point me back to my hope in God. I’ve felt very hopeless and lost lately. And then someone reminds me that no matter how I feel, My God is near to the brokenhearted. He is faithful and his ways are good. It’s easy at times like this to feel like God is distant, disconnected and impersonal. And then I open my Bible and see a God that doesn’t match the god of my imagination. I see a God who tested Abraham and Sarah through years of waiting. But I see His nearness in their trial. I see a God who tested Abraham again by asking him to sacrifice that which was the dearest to him. And then I see a God who provides. I see a God who calms not only the seas, but also weary hearts.

I’ve been too weary to read much lately. The Bible has seemed dead at times. Just familiar words lacking life. It’s times like that, when I’m even more grateful for my friends. They point me to truth and remind me of great devotionals i can read too. They point me to great music when I’m too tired to open a book. They pray for me and hope for me when I feel hopeless. Depression makes you feel isolated. My friends and sweet husband keep reminding me that I am not alone. They are near but even greater than that, my God is near to me.

I can’t even put into words all of the emotions of this year. Not only have we experienced deep grief and loss, I have watched my friends walk through much grief as well. I hurt with them. I cry for their losses and I pray that God uses my trials to bring hope to them in theirs. Specifically, I hurt for my friend Charissa, who has unexplained digestion issues and is severely malnourished but the doctors can’t figure out what to do, my friend Melissa, whose 2 year old son is going through treatment for leukemia and my friend Jessica whose brother took his life Friday a week ago. They are experiencing a different grief than I am, and I always want to be aware of what is going on around me. Sometimes it’s just helpful to get my head out of the sand and look around. I’ve had it down a lot lately. To remember that God knows all needs and is able to heal all diseases and cure all wounds is such a comfort. I pray that He will comfort and strengthen them, as He has been doing with me.

I have several books I’m reading lately… The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie, When God Weeps by Joni Ericksen Tada, Beside Still Waters by Spurgeon as well as many of the Psalms. it’s been very helpful. God is being faithful in continuing to hold me.

I need to figure out how to move on. I need to find a job. Due to all the stress both physically and emotionally of the past few months, I was not
able to continue my job. So, I find myself looking for something new. The pregnancy hormones are finally back at zero. Now my body must adjust to a few months of being on birth control while we wait for the effects of the chemo to wear off. Now I can try to work off some of the 40+ pounds I have gained during these last three pregnancies. :(. Thank you my dear
friends for your continued prayers for Ted and I.

I’m not the same as I was. I am scarred and broken. But I pray that as I see both my physical and emotional scars, I will be reminded of my God who heals all. The Balm of Gilead works today and I want this time in my life to bring glory to Him. so, I trust Him as we walk hand in hand on these, the first steps of moving on…

post midnight randomness

Ted knows I hate vacuuming the steps in our house (we have 14 of them) because its just awkward to hold the vacuum in one hand, hold the vacuum hose in the other and try not to fall over.  i’ve fallen down the steps enough times without added help.  so, he does this for me.  Tonight he emptied all the trash cans too.  He’s pretty much awesome in my book.

I cried myself to sleep Saturday night because Ted had vertigo and couldn’t get out of bed all day.  I was convinced he had a tumor and was going to die.  Sunday he took sudafed and it seemed to help.  Apparently it was sinus related because last time I checked sudafed doesn’t help brain tumors.

I cleaned the bathroom tonight.  I mean, REALLY cleaned.  Scrubbed the floors on hands and knees kind of clean.   I think I do this once a year.  The rest of the time I pretend to clean but really just sweep the dirt into the corners (well, not really).  Its so clean it makes me want to go eat dinner on the bathroom floor.  but again, not really.

More bloodwork tomorrow morning and another doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon to see what’s going on with this ectopic pregnancy.  If I didn’t know better, I would think the Greenville Hospital System is trying to take all my blood… one vial at a time. I really hope they don’t tell me I need another chemo shot.  I think chemo is awful.

This weekend I’m going on a girls trip with some friends.  We’re going to the hopping city of Knoxville.  Ted is probably going to Mississippi to see his family.  This is a first for our marriage… an entire weekend apart… and in different states nonetheless.  I hope I don’t die of loneliness.  Thankfully our girls weekend includes a movie and popcorn, a round of pool and a mani/pedi.  I hope I will survive.  ;)

This is why I don’t write blog posts late at night.  I really have nothing to say and my brain is like a ping pong ball… bouncing back and forth in my head from all the thoughts of today.  but somehow this randomness is cathartic tonight.  Sorry to bore you with nothingness.

P.S. I will probably have a weird dream about Captain America.  We used a groupon deal and went to go see it for a date night tonight.  It was good.  And a little weird when that German dude ripped off his face and was all red and nose-less underneath.

God and Pain. Suffering and Questions. Joy and Sorrow.

“We tend to interpret God’s love by looking at our circumstances. Things-are-good means God loves me. Things-are-bad means God doesn’t care. Instead, we must allow the strong and secure love of God to become the lens through which we interpret everything that happens in our lives. When we see our suffering through the lens of God’s love, we see that our suffering has meaning and purpose. And while we may never label the suffering as good, we have the consoling confidence that God is going to use it for our good and for his glory”

“There’s only one thing that enables me to accept what I cannot understand about my suffering and the suffering of this world: the Cross. I look at the Cross and the enormous suffering it represents, and I am humbled and ashamed that I think I could know better than God what is good and right and purposeful. I see that there is a larger plan at work that my heart and my mind can barely comprehend. But mostly I see that the Cross is the ultimate example of God’s ability to work all things together for good—even the most wicked deed darkness ever conceived. And if God can work together the cruel death and enormous suffering of his Son on the cross to bring about the greatest good of all time, then perhaps he really can do something good in and through the suffering in our lives too.”

“To experience sorrow does not eliminate joy. In fact, I’ve come to think that sorrow actually deepens our capacity for joy—that as our lows are lower, so are our highs higher. Deep sorrow expands our ability to feel deeply. We feel sadder than we ever knew we could, sadder than we think we can survive. But our sorrow prepares us to experience a more satisfying and solid joy than we’ve ever known before. When joy surfaces, it allows us to see that deep beneath the chaos and catastrophe is the strong current of confidence that we can be content in the sovereign hands of God.”

Nancy Guthrie

babies everywhere

its bound to happen… when you have nearly 30 pregnant friends it comes with the territory that soon there will be babies everywhere. The newest arrival to the baby club is perhaps the sweetest for me.

Kelsi Dale was born about 30 minutes ago and is 7lbs 15oz and 21″ long.  My friend Kala tried for 5 years to get pregnant.  They had one chemical pregnancy several years back and then months and years went by of nothing.  Heartbreak and longing of the likes that I do not understand.  Babies grew into toddlers.  The oldest of “my” babies (you know, the ones that were born around the same time as “yours” would have been if you had gotten pregnant right away) are only 5 months.  Hers are in school already and many of them have one or two younger siblings. We’ve talked over the past year about some of that struggle… the longing, the heartache, the hopes and then the disappointments.

God led them to the path of IVF – invitro fertilzation.  I’m not sure if that is the road He will lead us in the months and years to come.  Time will tell.  Maybe we will get pregnant at some point with a baby we end up getting to keep.  Maybe we will adopt.  Maybe we’ll end up doing both.  I don’t know.  We’re not really to that point right now.

I’ve been in a good bit of pain the past few days from the treatment on Tuesday but God keeps reminding me of His kindness… they found this pregnancy before it burst and I could have hemorrhaged.  there was a way to treat this that didn’t require surgery (we hope).  I met someone yesterday who said “I got an e-mail today about what you’re going through and I’ve been praying for you.”  I have gotten countless notes and texts and calls from friends who are praying , asking what they can do to help, etc.  I don’t feel like we are going through this alone.  And I couldn’t ask for more than that.

Thanks for your prayers. thanks for caring for us so well.  I appreciate continued prayers for me physically and for wisdom in how to go forward.