I feel like I need to apologize

I know God is faithful. I know He planned for Ted and I to walk through this trial.  And I know He will sustain us every step of the way.  I have no reason to doubt that when my emotions tell me otherwise.

my hope

Here I am again
In this raging sea
On my knees again
Deep calls to deep
I feel I’m drowning
My arms are
Just too tired to swim
I feel like I’m sinking
On my knees again
In the roar of Your waterfall
In the storm of You
May You find me holding on
May You find me true

Chorus:
And I put my hope
And I put my trust
And I put myself in You
In You, Lord [2x]

Here I am again
In need of you
Broken, Beaten
Needing You
In the roar of Your waterfall
In the wonderful storm of You
May You find me holding on
May You find me true

(Chorus)

Bridge:
Wash me clean
Set me free
Hold me close
And cover me

(Chorus x4)

Here I am
Here I am…

David Crowder Band

great

…strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow…

…in every change He faithful will remain…

 

God is so kind.  my life has been somewhat topsy-turvy in the past month or so.  God has changed many thoughts about my future and has been working overtime on teaching me about trusting Him. 

thankfully though, He is giving me much grace to trust in Him.  And He has given me enough strength for today and an amazing amount of hope for tomorrow.  Not because I have no worries today or know what will come tomorrow… but because He has constantly been reminding me that I am held in His hands… That it is His journey and no matter where we go, He is the one taking me there.

His hands … safe… secure.  i can rest there.

i won’t be afraid

My coworker and I were driving somewhere the other day and she had a CD by Ashmont Hill in her car. What was especially encouraging was the song “I won’t be afraid”. One of the lead singers wrote this song for his young son who was afraid of the dark. It is a sweet song, based on Psalm 23… that the Lord comforts and guides me and I don’t need to be afraid.

I often fear what I don’t understand. Or what I can’t see. There are times when it paralyzes me to the point where I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of what might happen… I’m afraid to turn my light off because then I won’t be able to see. Yup, I’m 28 and there are days when I’m afraid of the dark. :)

Its at those times when I need to practically remind myself that God is all-powerful, that nothing exists outside of His sovereign loving control and that there is no need to fear.

There’s no need to fear when I can’t sleep. There’s no need to fear when my health seems to fail. There’s no need to fear as I see myself and my friends getting older and we’re still single. There’s no need to fear when God seems to be silent… He is leading and guiding me. Always. He is true. He won’t lead me astray. So, I won’t be afraid.

Listen Here: />I Wont Be Afraid – Ashmont Hill

while i’m waiting

fear not

My child, do not be afraid. Every day of your life was ordered before you were even born. I was faithful then, to call you to me before you desired me, before you knew me, before you lived for me. I loved you first. There is no need now for you to be afraid in this storm.

What is the worst that could happen to you? Death? I am the God who is faithful to old age, even to death. A lack of answers of clarity? I am the God who knows all. No answer is hidden from me. Darkness? No direction visible to you? I am the God who leads the blind along unknown paths. Loneliness? I am the God who will never leave you. Pain beyond your ability to handle? I am the God who gives strength to the youth who are weak and faint. I am He who provides grace to the weary and help to the tired.

What is it you fear that I in my power am unable to provide? You could bring care after care to me until you have no more and still every care will find a balm in my healing and help. Every need is provided in me. I love you.

Do not doubt my care because my hand is pruning. Do not doubt my love as you feel the winter’s cold wind blow. You are precious to me and I will protect and care for you through every storm. Rejoice, sweet chosen, adopted and dearly loved child of mine, for through this trial and pain, you are seeing the benefit of years of plenty. Now, when it seems there is no fruit on your tree, you are learning that your roots do indeed go deep and this faith I called you to only a few short years ago, that faith is real. It is being tested even now and it is standing firm. Be encouraged, my child, I am producing growth. This trial is bringing endurance and the more you see my hand at work through the unknown, you will grow in faith and hope.

My Son, Jesus, who died to bring you to me, is praying for you right now. He is standing here saying “Father, forgive her weakness, forgive her lack of faith. Be satisfied in her struggle. Look to my payment and be satisfied.” And you know, child, I am fully and completely satisfied with that payment on your behalf.

So come to me, in your weakness, nakedness and need, confident in my affection and care for you. Even now, when you don’t know what to say, my Spirit is also praying for you. He is interceeding on your behalf, interpreting your tears and pain and carrying your woes before my throne of grace. So, child, cry. Cry out to me.

I loved David and I loved to see his dependence on my power as expressed so often through his tears. Cry, even when there seem to be no words. The Spirit of God is carrying those cries directly to me. They are not lost. I am listening and my arm has never been too short to save. Be confident, in the midst of this trial, of my unchanging faithful love to you.

The steadfast love I showed to your fathers, the guidance to Abraham, the protection to David, the redemption for Jonah, the transformation for Rahab, the love that did not forsake Naomi, that provided for Ruth, and that blessed Hannah…sweet child, I am that same God. And I offer those same things to you. I would delight and joy in you coming to me in hope and faith, not cowering in fear. Judgment is paid. Freedom is yours. Live there. Rejoice there. I will never forsake.

But when you feel forsaken, remember my promises. When you feel tempted beyond your strength to endure, remember I will empower you to stand firm against every attack of the evil one. Even Satan is under my control; there is no need to fear his attacks.

Rest. Rest in the storms, for I hold you safe. I never slumber and darkness does not blind me, as it does you. Don’t you see? I want you to be free, not bound by fear. This trial is producing sweet freedom as you are learning of my sovereign care and provision. Like I said to the shepherds the day I sent my son “do not fear.”. Like I told the disciples the day my Son left them and returned to Me… “do not fear.”

And now you join their ranks…the ranks of the weak and helpless of this world whom I have chosen and loved. “Do not fear.” “This trial was given to you as a gift from a hand of love. Though you do not understand the purpose of the gift you do know the hand. You have seen my care and love proved time and time again to you.

And now, sweet child though you do not understand why, take this gift of pain, suffering and confusion and accept it as a good thing given by a Father who loves you. At this time in your life, what you desire is not a good gift. That is why I have chosen this. Won’t you rest in my arms? I can see tomorrow.

This “mistake” will make sense one day. And even if I never choose to show you the reason why, don’t forget I am using this to bring glory to myself and draw others to see my power displayed in you! Is that not enough? My power at work in you? That is why I don’t wnat you to fear. I know what will come tomorrow. And it is good. Rest. Rejoice. Lean on me. I will never ever let you go.”

sent by God

“Teach me to treat all that comes to me with peace of soul and with firm conviction that your will governs all. In unforseen events let me not forget that all are sent by You.”.

Does our faith rest on having prayers answered as we think they should be answered, or does it rest on that mighty love that went down into death for us? We can’t really tell where it rests, can we, until we’re in real trouble. I prayed for that mother, prayed for healing of the cancer (we are told to make our requests known to God), but prayed above all for her peace. In His will alone, as Dante wrote, is our peace.”.

Elisabeth Elliot

does Jesus care?

Nahum 1:7 “The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him,”

 1 Peter 5: 7 ” Cast all your cares upon him; for he cares for you.”

 I have once again been struggling in my heart with the question of “does Jesus care?”  Its been a common struggle for me over the past few years to think of God as vindictive or angry as opposed to a loving and caring Father. 

 When things in my life don’t make sense, I tend to assume that God is holding out on me… keeping good things from me to punish me or simply to teach me a lesson.  Instead He’s been reminding me lately that confusion or His apparent silence doesn’t equate with apathy… and it doesn’t necessarily mean that He is trying to “teach me a lesson.” 

 It simply means that its another opportunity for me to trust that what He’s said is true… that He knows what’s best for me… that He has planned my steps… that He guards my ways… that He watches over me… that He is good and wants good for me… that He cares.

 Thinking through these things reminded me of the song “does Jesus care?”  I love the words: “Oh yes, He cares… His heart is touched with my grief…When the days are weary, the long nights dreary, I KNOW my Savior cares.”

 1 Peter 5: 7 ” Cast all your cares upon him; for he cares for you.”

Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress,
And the way grows weary and long? 

Refrain:
Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?

 Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed
To resist some temptation strong;
When for my deep grief there is no relief,
Though my tears flow all the night long?

 Does Jesus care when I’ve said “goodbye”
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks—
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?

Refrain:
Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

1 Peter 5: 7 ” Cast all your cares upon him; for he cares for you.”

sleepless prayer

Father I confess that I do not actively place my dependence on you like I should, though every moment is spent fully dependent on your hand over my life. It is the sweet, yet horrible moments like this, moments when I ask, but sleep doesn’t come, moments where there is nothing I can do to make that desire of my fundamental human need happen, moments of sheer and utter exhaustion of mind, body and will, in which I am once again reminded of you. You are the God who does not require sleep. You are the God who guards my life as I sleep, and who guards it when sleep doesn’t come. You watch over me and protect me as the swarm of fears and doubts loom overhead. Your helmet of salvation soothes my tired mind with the truth that I am safe in you and that there is no need to fear. When exhaustion results in emotional worry and tears, I am comforted with the truth that even in my weakness and struggle, that you never leave or forsake your beloved. When the sins and cares of the day robs my rest, you remind me that I am your spotless bride and your cherished, fully accepted child. When pain takes rest from me and keeps it at a distance, you remind me that the power which calmed the stormy sea can also calm the turmoil in my body. Thank you Father that you ordain moments like this, moments I would never choose, to once again turn my gaze to you, grasping for more of your grace. Oh how I need it…both tonight and as the dawn soon breaks. Teach me that what matters is not perfect health or restful sleep but rather a confident trust in your goodness. Your goodness desired that my sleeplesness would drive me not to frustration, fear and anxiety, but to you. I find a refuge in you. My mind, which never seems to cease its running, finds solace in your presence. And you promise strength for tomorrow. Strength for the day’s battle, empowered by you to endure. But greater than that, to rejoice. Father, grant me the grace to rejoice in what you have done for me, given me and promised to complete in me. Let that joy overshadow this sleepless weariness. I pray that I would rest in you, for you are fully satified. There is nothing I need to do, besides still my soul in you like a child at his mother’s breast. You comfort. You hear the prayers of your beloved. And you provide what is good. So I pray that you would, in mercy, grant my weary body a few hours of rest tonight which would counteract the many hours of sleepless regret and worry. And if sleep does not come, father, I pray you would grant me the grace to find my strength in you. Thank you that you love me. Thank you that you hear my cry. Thank you that you are powerful to save. I pray you would help me, yet again, as I look to you, my jehovah-jireh to provide in my need.

is this what normal feels like?

its funny, at times we get so used to the “abnormal” that when things settle down to “normal” again, it seems weird.  (who defines normal, anyways?)

i’ve spent the last several years struggling with insomnia and other major health issues.  typically the way it looked for me is one month i would sleep no more than 2 -3 hours a night, and then the next month i would sleep on average 5-6.  and about once a month i’d spend a day or two in bed too exhausted and sick to even move.  it was really to the point that i could anticipate… “i’m not gonna sleep much for the next month” and then i’d mentally prepare myself for this. 

well over the past 2 years, and especially the past 8 months or so, the doctors have been trying to get to the root cause of many of the health issues i’ve been having.  and slowly, i’ve begun to see some pretty major improvement. 

i’m not on seizure meds anymore. i’m not having to take migraine meds as often, and i’m able to control most of the migraines by very carefully watching my diet (aka no wheat, barley, rye, gluten, oats, dairy, artificial color, artificial flavor, etc).  i’ve got the energy to exercise again on a consistent basis and am able to concentrate during the day.  and over the past 3 months, i’ve slept on average nearly 6 hours a night! (for me, that’s pretty amazing!)

but the weird thing is this… i feel like i NEVER have enough time now.  i’ve gone from having approximately 21 hours a day to do things and now i’ve only got about 17.  I thank God for the extra 4 hours of sleep i’ve been getting but its crazy…  

is this how “normal” people feel??? :)  never enough time?  too much to do?  does this mean i’m “normal” now? (haha!)  :)

its just a new and weird experience for me and i’m having to learn how to adjust.  i’m not reading as much anymore.  that makes me sad.  but i’m wondering when to do it… my typical reading time is from 12 - 3 or 4 am!  i miss my 2 am facebook chats with the other insomniacs.  seriously, when is there time now for a bubble bath?  or to organize your sock drawer? 

 

all these important questions in my mind as i’m readjusting to a new “normal.”  praise God for His gift of sleep!  now I just need to learn the gift of managing time.  :)