Can Someone Please Stop the Ride? I think I’m gonna throw up…

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  1. i’m so tired of people telling me “its all in my head.” obviously its in my head – its a freakin migraine. that does’nt make my toes hurt!!!

    … or its because of stress. yeah, that’s it. um. let’s think about that logicially… my life is no more stressful now than it was a year ago. actually its less stressful in many ways than at many other points in my past, yet somehow this is “all in my head.”

    here are some of the “solutions” i’ve received up to this point…
    stop pretending (because obviously this is all in my head!), get more sleep (seriously, more than 12-16 hours a day?), get less sleep (can’t function then, can’t stay awake and if i can i don’t want to b/c of the pain), take more drugs (helps reduce the pain), take less drugs (muddles my brain), drink caffine (to reduce headaches), drink less caffine (to reduce headaches?! what? same result as the opposite, how does that work), have sex, do drugs, drink tequila (most of these were the suggestions from various people at work).

    apparently sex and tequila is the answer. its no wonder my head hurts. no wonder i’m in pain. i just need sex and tequila. now its crystal clear. find me some hot guy and a bottle with a worm in it and then i’ll be okay… thanks guys!

    some little voice inside of me is telling me that sex and tequila is not in actuality the true and best answer. :) a temporary relief for the pain – perhaps, but an answer… not at all.

    Life right now feels like a nauseous roller coaster ride. the ride can be exilirating when you’re at the top and get that “aaahhh” breath of fresh air and clarity. but when you hit the bottom and your stomach ends up in your esophagus… not so fun anymore.

    now, take what you thought would be a 3 minute ride and keep going. imagine the brakes don’t work so there you go. around and around. sooner or later even the “aaaahhh” moments aren’t fun anymore.

    so, how does “fun” balance with contentment? God hasn’t called me to “fun.” But He has commanded “content.”

    Rejoice doesn’t mean happy. But it does mean I’m trusting and at peace with what God is doing and how He is working.

    What are the answers? the gospel or pride…

    Is it pride?? i think so. I don’t like to hurt. I think that I should be past pain or somehow I should be an exception. You mean 1st Peter applies to me too? Come on, I wouldn’t have picked it that way… are you sure???

    So, what’s the solution? the gospel? …again? *whiny voice* can’t I have some fun answer like “its a brain tumor and we are gonna have to do surgery and then right before that happens this golf ball sized tumor just miraculously disappears!” that’s cool. can’t i at least have that if I’m gonna have to suffer?

    what? take up a cross and die? die following the example of an insignificant nobody that no one noticed or cared about?

    what?! that’s the gospel?? not the Savior of the world bleeding on a cross and every bystander bowing down in reverence? No! They were mocking! They were reviling. He was dying for them and they didn’t care. He died for me and I didn’t care.

    So, in my life, this looks like… continue suffering… be faithful… continue entrusting your soul to Him who is in control of ALL things!… resist the lies from Satan that God doesn’t care… resist the lies that it doesn’t matter to Him that I’m hurting… believe that He cries over His children… He loves His beloved ones… I’m one of those that He loves…

    that’s a sweetness hidden deep in this suffering. You gotta dig for it… but its there. Promise.

    i can see it. i can feel it. i still don’t like where i’m at. i’m still begging. but i’m okay. because i’m not alone. it still hurts. but He hurt worse when He paid what i couldn’t and did what I wouldn’t ask. He’s bigger than a pain in the neck. or head. or heart.

    i may be on the roller coaster that seems uncontrollably fast but i’m fastened in the seat. i’m held secure by its grasp. i’m not gonna fly off the ride to my demise. i’m anchored. anchored yet speeding 100 mph.

  2. Emily, we’ve never met – I saw your comment on the Altrogge’s blog and clicked. But I wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. I, too, suffer from migraines. Sometimes I know the trigger and sometimes I don’t, but I know your pain well. Reading your thought process is very humbling to me, and I appreciate the way you are seeking after God in this difficult time. Praying for peace, whether God chooses to remove this trial now or not!

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