day 30


I know God sustains and is bigger than death. I believe that He is good and does not leave us alone in our troubles. that He leads us when we’re blind, that he comforts us when we’re tired, that he feeds us when we have no money to buy food, he provides when we’re needy. i know that. i’ve experienced all of that in this past month of hell. but i’m struggling to be controlled by what’s true vs my emotions.

i’m still discouraged. today its been 30 days – that’s not a big deal (but it is). it’s a dash. but it feels like forever. talking yesterday with Matthew E. and hearing that my pain has been worse than his was and that it took him 6 months of therapy to recover made me want to scream. or cry.

I’m tired of hurting when there’s no reason or explanation as to why this is going on. tired of fighting for a raise that was promised months ago but hasn’t come yet. tired of having to always ask for it. tired of still being in limbo with the job thing until my boss hires someone for my current position. tired of taking medicine. tired of being tired. tired of hurting. tired that i can’t do the things that i love (singing and german) without it making me hurt worse.

honestly right now i’m feeling like i’m dangling on a little string over a cliff. biblical terms… i’m tired of trusting because i’m tired of my cross. guess i’m tired of where God has me because it sucks and i’m ready for “not sucking” fields of green pastures and streams of still waters. every time i feel God has pushed me so far beyond my limit that it HAS to be the last straw, he throws in another straw. I’ve started a collection now.

I lead the blind in ways they do not know.
My grace is sufficient for all your weakness.
It is finished.
Come, you who are thirsty. Come drink. Come buy without money, eat and be satisfied.
I will not leave you
I will not forsake you.
As a man, I can relate to your struggles
As a father pities his children…
Like a loving shepherd, I lead, guide and care for you.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand…


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