I’m tired. Both physically and emotionally I’m worn out. It was a long week. There are a plethora of thoughts swarming in my mind.
I just got done having dinner with my family to celebrate my mom’s birthday. I love them dearly, but our times together always leave me sad. There’s a level of depth and communion that just isn’t there like exists with my church family and friends and that affects everything. Its just not “home” when we’re together.
I wish it weren’t so. It hurts so deeply. I pray every day for resolution – I pray every day for sweet relationships and fellowship as fellow believers (albeit disagreeing in areas).
I struggle with seeing families in my church that have what I long for. My heart wants to accuse God. With tear filled eyes and an aching heart, I so desperately want to question why. And He says simply “come – I’ll give your weary heart rest. Trust me. I’m sovereign and loving and good and have ordained each step of your life and each person in your life for my glory and your good.”
That’s a hard pill to swallow at times. I want my parents to talk to my grandparents again. I want my mom to talk to her brother. I want to be able to mention the name “dave” to my family without a wall going up. I want us all as Christians to experience sweet unity because of the cross. I don’t understand why it doesn’t happen. I don’t understand how this can be God’s will. I don’t understand why He doesn’t allow for restoration and healing. I don’t know why family times are always accompanied by a big pink elephant. I want to know why.
And God simply says “Emily, I’m good. I haven’t forgotten your prayers. I’ve seen every tear that has fallen. I know every hurt you’ve never spoken of. I’ve heard each cry. So, trus – trust in ME my child. I really do care.”
I’m weary. I need grace. I need a reminder of my Shelter from the storms because the storms are pounding down on my heart right now. But I know that God is my answer, not restored relationships. He’s greater than that. My confidence is not that one day I may have a family with no struggles, rather its that I serve a God who cares about these things.
I belong to a Father that never fails. I have a daddy who lavishes overabundant grace every day. Grace to endure trials. trials like family problems. Grace for surface relationships. Grace for a heart that wants more and doesn’t know if it will ever happen. Grace from a God who is not surprised by this trial.
Grace for the weary.