i haven’t written anything lately because to be honest with you its i don’t really have much to say. life has been tough. i’ve struggled and failed countless times to trust God. even saying “i believe, help my unbelief” seems to take more faith than I have most days. i am very aware of my weakness and inability to change my circumstances or overcome my sin. to praise my God has been a sacrifice that most days I have not been willing to give.
yet through this… through my self focus and ravaging sin, God is somehow still caring for me. it seems harsh and distant and cold, but He has promised never to leave. He has promised that He is a God who cherishes His own and leads for His weak sheep. yup, you guessed it … that’s me.
its really easy to get stuck in what’s wrong… left to myself, i would live there. i’m thankful though for friends and pastors that care lovingly through that. i’ve had some hard conversations lately and have shared some tough stuff with a few friends and with my pastor and his wife. and to see their care and concern and help through it all… its almost enough to build my faith to be able to say “i believe, help my unbelief!”
i can’t deny my God. i have tried many times in the past few months. there have been so many days that apart from God’s grace, I would have walked away from Him never to look back. but I haven’t. and i can say with full assurance, that is not as a result of my amazing faith… its a gift from a God that cares. He has promised to keep me secure. So, for now I’m clinging to that… and to the promise that He is also the God who gives lavishly… He gives peace and joy and steadfastness through trials. So though it doesn’t feel that way, He is good and I know He won’t quit on me.