as i was walking into work this morning, i was thinking about how little of God I actually know. as many of you know, the past few months have been very difficult for me, by far the hardest, darkest and most overwhelming season i’ve faced so far in my 27 years. i’ve doubted God, been angry at Him, questioned Him, ran from Him, questioned His love and care and sovereignty and acted as the children of Israel who I in my pride thought should have “gotten it” time and time again. But what He is opening my eyes to see is that through all of that, He is a God of steadfast love, mercy and compassion.
I’ve feared approaching Him, aware of His holiness and hatred of sin. But i’m missing the cross. I’m missing the truth that when He sees me, what the Almighty Judge of the universe sees is His perfect Son. He doesn’t see filth, He sees a pure bride. I don’t see myself as that, and its hard to believe that God, who knows all, does. A free gift is so hard to accept.
I’ve been meeting lately on a regular basis with one of my pastors. A few weeks ago, he reminded me that I’m not God and that I can’t fix myself. My first response (though i didn’t say it outloud) was “duh, i know that.” But the more I started thinking of what He said, the more angry I got about it. I want to fix myself. I don’t want to need others. I want to be self-sufficient. I see weakness as a bad thing. Yet God says “be weak… do nothing on your own… trust in my all-sufficiency to pay for your debts and heal your scars.” He says “I don’t require sacrifice and offering, I require an empty cup, lifted up for me to fix and fill.” its such an amazing offering… an amazing gift. yet somehow, I still want to earn… I still fear to approach.
so back to my walk into the office today… my view of God is One who is angry at my sin, disappointed at my failures, disgusted at my lack of faith and turning His back from me as I mess up over and over again. But the true God doesn’t demand performance or perfection… just a simple faith in Him… a pure trust in Him as my only source of salvation, hope, justice and redemption.
my meeting with Matt yesterday was very encouraging… He was pointing out many areas where God is at work in me… even right now as I doubt and question and get angry… He’s still working… still caring… still loving… still pursuing me. That gives me hope. Hope that maybe this incomprehensible scandalous love really is true… hope that maybe He will actually not give up on me… hope that the promises of God apply even for me… even now… even here.