i know this blog has been quiet lately. for those of you who read regularly, i apologize. there are several reasons for my silence. the first is that i’m on vacation. i left last saturday for a visit to MD, PA, VA and NC. Currently I’m in PA visiting my grandparents. Our manufacturing plant is closed until next Tuesday which means i’ve got some time off work. So, i decided to take advantage of a less than preferable opportunity of “forced vacation” to visit my extended family. So far its been a great trip… but more on that in a minute.
the other reason my blog has been silent is because i really haven’t known what to say. this has been a different season for me… one of loneliness and yet again, new questions. one of just not knowing what to say. simply stated its just been a season of mourning in a way… mourning over things i can’t change… mourning over things i wish i had done differently…wondering why God doesn’t step in and longing for heaven. but i know i can’t spend my time focusing on what “could have been.” so its been a season of private journaling, of crying out to my God to deliver me from this darkness, and of learning what it means to look to Him, believing He is constant and faithful through every storm… of learning greater depths of His grace and mercy. of crying out for more grace and more mercy. and of waiting for it…
so, i am grateful for a week to just get away from it all and refocus. on the drive up (12 hours in a car alone can be a wonderful thing), i began listening to an audiobook: John Newton: from Disgrace to Amazing Grace. I still have about 5 hours left of the book but its been very encouraging so far. i’m grateful for God’s grace… so undeserved to such a wicked sinner like John Newton… and me.
another thing God has been reminding me of is His power. though at times i’m tempted to question whether or not He is lovingly overseeing each aspect of my life, I know He is. Not gonna lie, when I got pulled over and charged with “reckless driving” while going 82 in a 70, i wanted to get angry. angry because i was staying with the flow of traffic… angry because God knows I don’t have extra funds to pay for a ticket now too. and then almost immediately, the Holy Spirit began reminding me that He is the God that works in mysterious ways, and that He wants me to look to Him, even here, even in my failure, even in my weakness, even now when i just want to cry. i’m not sure how this one will end up, but i’m trying to look to my God, my great High Priest who knows my weakness and has promised me mercy and help.
last weekend, i visited my friend Leanne. it was encouraging to finally meet her. :) and encouraging to see how God is working in her life… even in little ways like providing a second drummer for their church. YAY! :) I went with her and her husband to church on sunday morning. Worship particularly was very encouraging – just being reminded over and over again that my weakness is not greater than God’s grace and help. i feel really weak. and when i fail to feel His grace and help, He has promised still to be there. so i cling to that. worship was just a reminder for me of that truth. then on Monday night, I met my friend Sara for coffee. it was encouraging to hear of God’s faithfulness through her health issues in the past year. it was faith-building to see God working in greater ways and deeper depths than i’m aware… to see Him doing great things beyond the walls of my little world. she was encouraging me to keep my focus on God, remembering that its not all trials. that God really does love and have what’s best in mind for me. i’m clinging to the fact that its true.
so, for the next week or so, my blog will be silent. i’m leaving tomorrow for my other grandparents house, then DC, then Raleigh, and won’t be home until next Monday. i’m praying that God uses this week of reflection to refocus my thoughts on Him and to encourage me with His unchanging love. i’d appreciate your prayers as i’m learning that my God is bigger than all circumstances, no matter what they are. :)