ever have those times where you ask “What are you doing, God?” I know His ways are higher than mine. I know that He loves me and give and takes for my good. I know what He’s given me, He also has the right to take away when He should choose. And I know looking back that every time God has taken something from me its always been for my good, even though immensely painful and gut-wrenching at times. I know that though things can be taken, that nothing can separate me from His love. How I need that love to hold me close today. How I long for my war-torn heart to rest there.
God seems to be shifting me from one furnace to another. And I am as unhappy with this appointment as I was with the last. How I long for it to end. Trials are a funny thing like that… you beg and beg for them to end and as soon as they do you realize that you’ve learned so much more than ever possible had you not gone through that trial. So as incomprehensible as it seems to your feelings, you find yourself thanking God for what you just walked through. And simultaneously you pray that you’d never have to go through it again. In many ways, that’s where I’m at. I’m grateful for the trials that God has carried me through because I know to a greater degree the depths of His love, care and compassion towards me. But as I face yet again another trial, I approach it with the same dread and horror as I faced the last. Horror because as God is calling me to pick up my cross and follow Him, I’m seeing the death, pain, suffering and heartache that accompanies that cross. And nothing in me wants to go there.
Yet somehow my loving Shepherd has promised to be with me each step of the way. He has promised to complete what He has begun. He has already cared for me time after time and He is faithful. Because of that, through His strength to hold me, with His help, I will rest in His control over this. I am choosing to look past the pain, to look past the cross to my Strong Deliverer, who defeated the power of death and the cross. He will preserve me by His mercy. He is my Rock in the middle of the storms. God has promised to complete what He’s begun, therefore I can have hope that He will keep me safe and true in Him…even here, even in this, even though nothing in me wants this.
Somehow I’m excited to see God provide. As He keeps taking and in my mind its getting even more difficult for Him to provide, I look to my Jehovah-Rophe with hopeful anticipation to meet my needs and comfort my sorrows. I haven’t really known what to say lately because it seems there are no words to describe the unutterable ache in my soul. Nothing seems sufficient other than crying to my Maker… the One who knows me and will never leave me alone. So, in my loneliness, I look to the One who will never leave, abandon or forsake. In my pain, I look to the One who suffered in my place. In my despair, I look to the only One who was ever forsaken by God with gratitude that He will not leave me here. And in my moments (or days) when I just want to complain, I remember how good He has been to me. The God who restored my broken soul and gave me life, the God who gives me a reason for joy in my mourning, the God who drew me through His kindness and irresistable love… that God will not quit. So I look to Him.