er visit

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So I spent about 4 hours tonight in the er…being poked, prodded and tested. I went in with severe pain in the right side of my abdomen. I left 4 hours later with the same pain, despite 2 morphene shots. Once again, I heard those gut-wrenching words “we don’t know what’s wrong with you…can’t explain why you are in pain. But here’s a prescription for narcotic pain meds…”. That’s the point where I stop listening. I’ve heard all this before. I’ve heard this at just about every doctors visit I’ve been to for the past two years. I don’t understand why God is choosing to allow me to suffer and yet giving neither me nor the doctors the wisdom to know what to do. It is so frustrating. I am so weak and yet at the same time so angry. I’m 28…is this what I have to look forward to the rest of my life? Why won’t God answer the thousands of prayers that have been prayed for healing of my body? Why do we have to keep going through this? And in the middle of all this God just calmly says “look to me. I am faithful.”. Honestly right now that doesn’t seem enough. I don’t want faithful. I want answers. And yet at the same time I know like Job, I cannot demand from this all-powerful God. He does as he pleases. He does not have to explain his ways to me. But then I come back to the Psalms “do the dead rise up to praise you, God? Where is the faithfulness you showed to our fathers? Has it ceased?”. And yet I know those spats hold no bearing. Of course his faithfulness continues. I know it in the fact that I’ve been given the right to call Him my Father. Its been shown through every breath He’s given me…even the ones where it hurts to breathe. How much more did Paul understand of this Jesus than do I. He rejoiced in the prison. I bring my feeble and weak complaints to an almighty God who has the power to strike me dead. Yet he doesn’t. Even that is mercy. Do I want healing for this body? Absolutely! I’m tired of living life in pain day after day just doing what you can to get by. But then what I wrote this morning comes back into mind…bless the Lord. My soul that is so prone to despair, bless His holy name. Sigh. Exhausted and weary, I pray for grace to fall asleep resting there…

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10 responses »

  1. Praying for you a lot. You’re on the right track, dear. Love you so much!

    O Wondrous Love

    Words and music by Steve and Vikki Cook
    As recorded on No Greater Love

    O wondrous love that will not let me go
    I cling to You with all my strength and soul
    Yet if my hold should ever fail
    This wondrous love will never let me go

    O wondrous love that’s come to dwell in me
    Lord who am I that I should come to know
    Your tender voice assuring me
    This wondrous love will never let me go

    I’m resting in the everlasting arms
    In the ever faithful heart
    The Shepherd of my life
    You’ll carry me on Your mighty wings of grace
    Keeping me until the day
    I look into Your eyes

    O wondrous love that sings of Calvary
    The sweetest sound this sinner’s ever known
    The song of Your redeeming Son
    Whose wondrous love will never let me go

    O wondrous love that rushes over me
    I can’t escape this river’s glorious flow
    You overwhelm my days with good
    Your wondrous love will never let me go

    © 2001 Sovereign Grace Worship (ASCAP).

  2. Emily,

    In light of it all, why are you angry? Has he not provided & proven Himself time & time again? :) There is no real silence with God, the communication barrier has already been torn down, there is only those who are just not listening. He is just teaching you to listen in a totally different way. Stop allowing your mind to wander and giving it an opportunity to be angry, it is a distraction that will only continue to muddle the voice of your heavenly father. :) He loves you so much Emily that He puts you through challenging circumstances like these to chase you to Himself and to His love. Not only is He giving you an opportunity to depend upon Him more, but is also giving you a chance to walk in suffering like He suffered, suffering produces endurance remember it is a GOOD thing! Praise GOD! You may have to walk in this pain your entire life without an “answer” but there should be no cause for fear, for you are a faithful steward of Christ & he has you under the shelter of His wings! There should be no cause for doubt that God is Good & faithful, because he has proven Himself to you fully on the Cross, and is in each moment sustaining your every breath. What you have on this earth is a gift, yes we are tainted with sin and with sin comes pain & suffering, but we have Christ now and in Christ we can conquer all things! Do not forget He is faithful and has been, and that He is using these circumstances for GOOD, He wants you to fight for joy my friend! He will provide the strength to do so! I love you friend, and am already praying for you!

    -Courtney

  3. Prayers for your health, and prayers that the physicians, specialists, etc.. will discover through God’s Grace what is causing this pain, and will be able to eliminate the pain quickly!

    Blessings,

    Mike

  4. Thank you for sharing this with us Emily! I had no idea about all the details concerning your health issues…we will certainly be in prayer for you! I don’t know what you are going through but I do know God is faithful, like you said. Through your weakness he is made strong & he is molding & shaping you more into the image of Christ. I guess we really cant relate with Christ fully until we go through pain & trials like he did. You are leaps & bounds ahead of most people in this journey of life…a stronger person because of your sufferings. God never gives us more than we can handle, so God must know that you are able to endure this. I respect your faith & honesty during this time! Love you my sister in Christ! Stay strong in the Lord! Let me know how I can be serving you during this time.

  5. Jess, thanks. how i long for more grace to simply rest there.

    Courtney, thanks i needed that. :) God has been so good, you’re right. And that’s part of the struggle… i KNOW that … it just doesn’t feel like it right now… but i’m fighting to believe it.

    Mike, i would love that too!

    Wendy, many days just knowing that you pray for me gives me so much hope to keep going. you are such a faithful friend and i am grateful for your consistent prayers and encouragement. i pray for you too!

    Kalli, thanks! the health issues seem to come and go. and each time they come, they are different and seem to be getting worse. this time the pain has been significantly worse than ever before. i’ve just come from a season of several months of feeling well (PRAISE GOD!) and I think that’s what makes this time harder… for a few years i had forgotten what “good” felt like… what it was like to be able to run again, to sleep again, to eat without feeling sick, etc. Now that i remember, its even harder to be back here. But I am clinging to God’s faithfulness and trusting that though I hate this and long for it to end, that He is my loving Father and this is a good gift. and to remember to breathe… it’ll all be okay. :)

  6. Emily,

    While I am not struggling with the same things that you are, I understand your pain. I understand what it’s like to feel like God is not hearing our prayers (though He most definitely is!) or feel like His plan for our lives is not in our best interest. Thankfully, though, His Word is Truth and it reminds me that these feelings are not Truth…and as the old Caedmon’s Call song says “I’m thankful that the Truth is not contingent on me…”

    Jennifer :)

  7. Emily,
    I’ve been in a similar boat with chronic pain and the anger and questioning. God wants to deliver us from our deception. I’d enjoy writing to you by email or facebook, and I am appreciating your blog. Thank you for always, as the psalmists do, turning away from the emotions and back to the truth by the end of the psalm. I’ve written a lot about suffering and have acquired some helpful resources on my blog: http://trulygodsgrace.wordpress.com. You might be especially interested in Joni Eareckson Tada’s messages, some of which you can access through my blog. Prayers and love in Christ!

    Sarah Bosse

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