starting up again


over the past year, my blog has suffered greatly.  I spent a while trying to make it work, then I spent a while wondering why I was trying.  I considered the purpose of this blog, the impact it had on others and the toll it took on me.  All in all, for most of the year, it was not worth it.  But I think its safe to say that I’m back. If for no other reason than to have an outlet for the thoughts in my head, I am grateful to be writing again.

After several years of blogging nearly every day, I think I just needed a break.  Then again, it seems I needed a break in so many other areas as well.

My last post stated that I left my job at BMW Manufacturing to stay home.  Leaving corporate America to work from home has been a wonderful transition and I have learned so much.  Its presented new challenges though too such as “should I work today in my pajamas?” and “how do I NOT answer the phone when everyone knows that I’m at home “doing nothing”?”  But I would not change it for the world and I am so grateful for a husband who supports me and loves me patiently through every change.

Mentally, I don’t feel that I’m the same person I was a year ago.  So for those of you who followed me, I hope the “new” me doesn’t disappoint.  :)  Hang on and enjoy the ride…

Where have I been?

Well, Since October I’ve been working about 10 hours a week.  Starting this past week, that has transitioned into nearly 40.  At this point it looks like I will be working 3 days a week in an office downtown and 2 days a week from home.  I’m very excited about this change and am confident this is the step that God has for our family.  Where those steps will end only time will tell.

With the additional time, I’ve been seeking to grow to be the wife God has called me to be.  That includes practical things like learning to coupon and save significant money at the grocery store.  I’ve also been blessed with much free time to reach out and encourage/ help friends who need it.  I know now that I’ll be working closer to full time again, some of those priorities will have to be shifted yet again, but Ted and I have spent months praying through finance and other issues and at this point we believe that me working more hours will help in some of our long-term goals.

One of those goals would be a family.  Ted and I would love to start a family.  As my close friends know, I currently have 21 pregnant friends.  It was 22, but one friend gave birth to her sweet baby girl last Tuesday.  So, the number is “down” to 21!  The past seven months have presented countless ups and downs, countless questioning of “why not me?” and more opportunities to trust God in the nitty-gritty of life.  Most days I can say I’m grateful for where God has me and what He’s been teaching me through this time.  I’d be lying though if I denied that there are still days I see my friends pregnant bellies growing and all I can do is cry.  Now I  realize that seven months is nothing, but some days reality means nothing to my heart.  Emotions take over and at those times Ted and my Heavenly Father both comfort me and remind me that God is the one who gives life and He does not withhold gifts from his children in a vindictive or harsh manner.  How I need those reminders.  I’m grateful for the promises that perseverance produces endurance which results in joy.  That is a gift from God and one that I seek to cling to when my emotions fight to take over.  God knows what our family will become… whether through childbirth and/or adoption.  We are seeking to trust Him and just be faithful where He has called us today.  But how I’d like to know where we’ll end up tomorrow too…

Last week, a dear friend had the world premier of her short film called “the Saving.”  It is a movie on suicide and she asked me if I would share publicly the 3 times in my life when I attempted suicide.  I’ll have to post more on that at some other point, but suffice to say it was an amazing yet terribly hard opportunity.  I shared before a live audience of nearly 300 my story that until that time was known only by my dearest friends.  God was faithful in strengthening me to share, and I am confident He will use my story to continue to make His name great.   At some point, I will post the entire story here.

Otherwise, life goes on.  Ups and downs.  Good and bad.  Sickness and health.

…to be continued…



6 responses »

  1. I understand the pain of watching your friends getting pregnant and not being able to achieve that in your own life. I have cried many of the same tears. There are no easy words to say that you don’t already know, but God is faithful. Like the William Cowper hymn “behind a frowning providence, He hides a smiling face.”

  2. Welcome back. :) Shoot me a message if you ever need to chat. You know I “get” what it’s like to watch everyone else be pregnant…even now from the other side. Glad you had a chance to share more of your story and that God provided boldness for you to do so!

  3. Enjoyed your update! I too like to know what my future holds….so awesome we can trust a sovereign God. Keep speaking his truths to your self. =) I will be praying for you and look forward to seeing what our Father God has in store for you.
    Love ya,

  4. thanks kelli! i do at times think it would be easier to just have the “five year plan” in advance. But looking back at the last 10 years… I wouldn’t have wanted it… Glad God gives us what we can chew for the moment. love ya too! <3

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