“Though my natural instinct is to wish for a life free from pain, trouble, and adversity, I am learning to welcome anything that makes me conscious of my need for Him. If prayer is birthed out of desperation, then anything that makes me desperate for God is a blessing… Puritan pastor William Gurnall makes this point in his writings, “The hungry man needs no help to teach him how to beg.” Nancy Leigh DeMoss
I’m learning to apply this quote. I’m learning painfully and slowly and through many tears that anything that makes me desperate for God is a blessing. I’m learning to meet God in the barrenness that my soul has felt over the past 8 months… though I have continually begged for God to take it away.
It was hard when I realized that this season of trying to conceive a child is now the same length as my worst season of intense migraines several years back. It seems this is a topic most don’t really talk about openly and I understand why. But my life has too much of God’s fingerprints on every twist and turn to not share. And I can’t divorce what I’m going though from who I am. So, you get it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. Looking back at that season of physical pain I have no answers to why. Looking back all I see is that season brought me closer to God. And though I didn’t feel that way then, I’m grateful for it. And though often again I struggle for hope and joy, I know God is at work.
My friends and my sweet husband have hope for me on the days when I have none of my own. I just want to brag on them. They have carried me through so many days and tears. 5 new babies. 19 pregnant friends. And yesterday 19 became 20. And I wept. #20 is yet to be publicly announced, but #20 is harder for me than probably all the others combined. I’m grateful to God for my friends and for Ted. Here is some of their encouragement to me:
Wish I could hug you right now. So grateful that we can always find comfort and rest in God. Was just praying for you too. So wish you weren’t so far away.
“As for me, I would seek God, and to God would I commit my cause, who does great things and unsearchable, marvelous things without number…” Job 5:8
God has laid that on your heart and Ted’s, and so we will walk in that promise, and each month ask for grace…I want you to have a bowl full, a universe full of Hope in Jesus. I want that more than anything, but waiting for a baby is such a difficult hurtful time for anyone as you know. However, as your friend, I have enough hope for the both of us. So for now, I will carry your heart regarding the pain of all of this, praying! Let me also be full of hope for you….When you have dried your tears and are able to get up again by His grace, remind yourself that He will bless you no matter if you are good or bad. Blessings aren’t necessarily earned, they are grace bestowed gifts often given to remind me(us) that they come even when we are at our worst. That is mercy. So, I don’t want you coming home working hard to get any results. I want you coming back to your home resting. (in your heart) Resting in the knowledge that God is steadfast in His love and gracious and merciful and faithful, and He will choose to do things that will bring honor to His precious name. I just want my friend to know that He is for YOU. He is For you! He is for you.
“One thing I think is so awesome through all of this trial is that you and Ted are so close! It is SUCH a blessing to have a husband you can depend on for emotional support!!! Wow =) And this might be bringing you even closer. I really admire your relationship together. I understand how you can feel anger. Wait on the Lord and He will renew your strength. And smile knowing that you have a wonderful husband and Heavenly Father” =)
Once again, so grateful for my friends and my dear husband. God has blessed me greatly. Gives me hope to wait for dawn.
“In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, “So shall your offspring be.” He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead ( since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah’s womb. No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised. That is why his faith was “counted to him as righteousness.” But the words “it was counted to him” were not written for his sake alone, but for ours also.” Romans 4: 18-24