He only promises to be with me…

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I came across this excerpt yesterday. Though some of the details of her story differ from my own, how I can relate. So glad that though Jesus does not promise any specifics regarding my future, that He does promise to be with me and hold me through every up and down.

Children. I want children. Not just a baby. Not just a child. I want children. Three of them. If I were younger, I might want more, but at thirty-four three seems like a good number. Marrying a little late and moving across the country a couple of times as well as a long-running struggle to pay the rent delayed the real trying for a while. The trying has been going on for a long time now. Not as long a many of you, but much longer than most.

To no avail. No children. Not one pregnancy. I have never experienced that wonder of knowing that there is a life inside of me. Instead, there is a longing that will not be filled, that will not be diminished, that will not end this side of heaven without children to fill it.

Nothing else in my life has been as baffling to me as not being able to conceive a child. My emotions hide even from myself, spilling out in tears of sadness or anger at the most inopportune times. There have been no days of real clarity, no times when a light has come on to show the way—not even a little. But the mysterious and marvelous mercy of God has convinced me of one thing in all of this—it is dark because I am in that deep, hidden place under God’s wing.

Certainly, the inability to bear children to the glory of God is due to the sinfulness of sin and its effect on all of life. It is not that God punishes us by not allowing us to give birth to the offspring we most desperately desire. It is rather that we, along with all of creation, suffer the wretched consequences of the sin of our first mother and father, Adam and Eve, compounded by the sin of all the sinners who have come after them. And that, of course, is all of us.

Since this is so, I know that, as with all of life, I must not put my trust in anything other than God, even in the provision of a child. This does not necessarily mean that I may not use a medical intervention to try to conceive a child. It does not mean that adoption is not an option to pursue. Rather, I trust that God in His mercy has given us these means as part of His redemption from the effects of the Fall.

At times the knowledge that God has given His covenant of grace to believers and their children makes not being able to have a child even more difficult to understand and bear. God has rescued me from such a desperate place and has given me such a glorious glimpse of Himself that I want, with all that is within me, to see this passed on to the next generation of my family, my children.

My heart cries out, “Why, O God, will You not answer this prayer? Why will You not do this simple thing for me and for Your own name’s sake? You do it for so many so easily. Your marvelous grace. Why not to me?” With thoughts like these, it is easy to fall into deep despair, and at times I certainly do. When this happens, God in His time and His various graceful ways, comes to me to remind me that I am not alone.

He does not, as so many do, tell me that “my time will come.” He does not say that if I will just relax and not try so hard, everything will be okay. He does not say, “If you adopt a baby, you’ll get pregnant.” He does say that He is with me. He weeps with me as Jesus wept for Lazarus. He reminds me that He is good and that He can be trusted with my heart. Any doubt of that was wiped away at the Cross.

He has given His best to me, His own beautiful, beloved Child. Will He withhold any good thing from me? No, never. Is Jesus enough to make up for this aching void in my soul? I do not always feel that it is so. But it is. Jesus loves me—this I know.

(from True Women by Susan Hunt)

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3 responses »

  1. I love that he not “only” promises to be with us, but that him being with us is sufficient. Thanks for the encouragement :)

  2. Emily, Selah V (Hariette), who has helped me during some difficult times as a minister’s wife, had sent me a message about you going through a miscarriage. I just want to let you know that I care and am praying for you. My husband and I have a little girl who will be 5 years old in September. When she turned two we started trying for another child but I wasn’t getting pregnant. I started having some female health problems and we found out why I wasn’t getting pregnant. I had to go through a 6 hour surgery in February of 2010. After a time of healing from the surgery I was finally expecting my second child. But this past summer I was three months pregnant and lost the baby. My child would have been born in February. I just want to let you know that I completely understand and what you are feeling is completely normal. I had a friend who had never had a miscarriage tell me just 7 days after the miscarriage that I was grieving too much and too long. If you are ever told this just know that those friends don’t understand until they go through it but that they just love you and don’t want to see you hurting. Sometimes people have a hard time knowing what to say. You will never forget about your loss but I just want to let you know that it just takes time to grieve and heal but you will eventually come to a time that you will be back to smiling. We don’t understand why God allows things like this to happen to us but we can use our experience to help others in the future who are grieving. You may have moments in the future that you will think about your child and feel down but just keep reminding yourself that he or she is in heaven, which is the best place to be. Also, you may want to get something in remembrance of your child to help you heal. I went and found a willow tree figurine entitled, “Love” with a lady holding a rose and it’s stem was touching her belly (http://willowtree.info/gifts/sympathy-comfort-remembrance). Having this to look at and to know I am able to have something to represent the love I have for my child helped me more than I can explain. If you ever need anything just let me know. I care.

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