worship and sorrow

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I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he inclined to me and heard my cry…
He put a new song in my mouth,
   a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
   and put their trust in the LORD.

This is how we felt when we found out we were pregnant with our baby.  We have waited and prayed for this child for the last 10 months.  God answered our prayers and I couldn’t even begin to fit into one post all the specific ways He has encouraged us through that process.  We rejoiced and cried and thanked God for what he had done.

And then on Tuesday, the worry crept in.  Everyone said the spotting was normal, but it didn’t seem like it to me.  So, instead of waiting until Friday, we went to the doctor that morning.  She did labwork and the results came back  low.  I knew we had to go back in 2 days for more tests.  I felt like God was saying whatever the result number was, it would correspond to a specific Psalm.  Well on Thursday in between tears as I pulled out my Bible app to pull up Psalm 22, the first words I saw were “my God, why have you forsaken me.”  Oh, how desperately I long for a baby to hold.  How I look forward to the day that I’m not just a mother in word, but in practice… in daily life.  How I wanted this day to be different.  But Psalm 22 says I will eat and be satisfied.  It says He has heard my cry and that’s why I can rejoice.  It says he knows.  Christ on the cross said the words “my God why have you forsaken me.”  I might feel forsaken right now.  I might feel barren and lonely, but I am not alone.  Later in that chapter, I read:

“From you comes my praise in the great congregation;
   my vows I will perform before those who fear him.
The afflicted shall eat and be satisfied;
   those who seek him shall praise the LORD!
   May your hearts live forever!”

I’m not exactly sure if I’ll be able to make it through worship tomorrow without bawling.  It is my first Sunday back on the worship team since I stepped down due to my migraines and health issues.  It is Ted’s first Sunday on drums. And its mother’s day…the one day I have been looking forward to more than any other since we started trying to conceive.

Our worship leader called us earlier in the week and said if we wanted to postpone to another week that was fine and he understood completely.  Everything in me wants to say yes to that.  Nothing in me wants to stand before the congregation and lead them to worship our God.  I feel so weak and weary that it seems like it should be the other way around.  Yet, God has been clear to both Ted and I.  This is something we need to do.

So, I’m not quite sure what tomorrow will hold… what emotions and fears and sorrow will come to the surface.  But God is faithful and I know He’ll give me strength.

———————————————————————————————————

by the way, we have chosen to name our baby Amos.  It means “carried by God” and not only is it a name we both love, it seemed appropriate for this situation.

“On you was I cast from my birth,
   and from my mother’s womb you have been my God.

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3 responses »

  1. That’s something else I meant to tell you – we have names, or at least nicknames, for all of our babies. It helped somehow, and we still refer to them by name. I’m grateful we did that.
    Thanks for encouraging ME in the way that you’ve walked through this. I know it is not easy. I will be praying for you and Ted tomorrow morning, specifically.

  2. You have been such an encouragement to me through this trial. You and Ted are continually in my prayers.

    Oh, and I love the name Amos. :)

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