i was not prepared for what a miscarriage does to you physically. apparently its normal for my body to “act” pregnant for a while during this process… sigh. That’s emotionally harder than I expected. I’ll spare you the details.
It’s shocking how many people have had 3 or more miscarriages. I’m kind of scared to join their ranks. I know we want to start trying again as soon as we can, but oh how that reveals yet another area of trusting God… for His timing and His protection over our future little ones too. I know the day will come when I want to try again, even if it means going through this again. I’m not there today. Thankfully I don’t have to be for a while…
Today was the first day the anger crept in. Driving to church I didn’t want to sing. I didn’t want to worship. I wanted to lie in bed and feel sorry for myself. We got to rehearsal and as they prayed for strength and comfort for us, I just sat there and cried. I try in public to control the tears so I can seem somewhat composed, but its hard to be pulled together at a time like this. So, knowing I was among friends who loved us and cared, I cried. And God met me. And gave me strength. Worship was refreshing this morning. One of those refreshing yet I-want-to-throw-up because I-don’t-want-to-do-this kind of things. I made it through with only one tissue being used. My pockets had 6 others on standby. I probably looked like I had lumpy hips. I didn’t care. I needed them nearby just in case.
When Matt (our pastor) asked the moms in the room to stand up, my friend Hannah who has had 2 miscarriages came over and grabbed my hand. She held me up while the tears fell down. I felt painfully exposed and vulnerable yet completely safe. I love my church. During the break, 2 of my first-time-mom pregnant friends came over and hugged me and encouraged me. I cried some more. I love that we can somehow simultaneously rejoice and weep together. Then a friend came over and gave me a gift card… the gift for the moms in the room. I feel honored to be counted among those ranks. Honored and heartbroken. And a little jealous.
After lunch with Ted’s parents who were in town for the weekend, we came home. It was the first moment all week that I’ve felt like enjoying anything. Ted and I watched Ally McBeal while sipping Earl Gray tea and just holding each other. It was nice. I actually felt happy. Until I started crying again.
My gift card to Starbucks only lasted in my wallet 6 hours. Somehow those kind of things burn a hole quickly. Hannah and I had a great chat at Starbucks until they closed and kicked us out… We talked about what to expect from your body during a miscarriage and the coming months, on how to care for your husband through this time and communicate effectively so he knows where you’re at, on the different changes your doctor doesn’t tell you about, on fear and trusting God and so many other things. It was so helpful and practical and fun too. Almost felt normal.
And then I came home to my house. A house that is just like it was last month. Me and my sweetheart and our two dogs. Yet it feels lonely. It feels empty and big.
I wish I had a vacation. Though I really didn’t work last week, somehow I feel like I need time off to rest. But maybe its true… maybe I need to get back in the swing of things and life will slowly readjust back to whatever normal is now. But I find myself wishing life could just stop for a bit. Or better yet, rewind.
I’m clinging to the truth I know though right now it feels lifeless… that God is faithful and is using this. And maybe one day I will even see fruit of this season. But oh, I just ache. People said they saw a strong and confident woman today on the worship team… rejoicing in God in the midst of pain and heartache. But I feel like a broken and sad little girl. Grieving but not sure even how to. Feeling emotional and weak. God’s power was clear even to me this morning… that’s something I can’t deny. I felt encouraged. I felt joyful somehow in the midst of my sorrow and I know that wasn’t from me. Yet tonight, I feel sorrow and fear again. Maybe I just need sleep. Maybe it will all be better tomorrow…