From last night…
So, I’ve spent the past hour contemplating what to write today. Words just seem inadequate. So, I’ve read verses and quotes. Somehow they seem dry. My heart simply feels empty.
At care group we talked about walking in faith in the midst of trials. And though I know looking back at God’s faithfulness in the past gives hope for current strength and future hope and joy, tonight those words just seemed shallow.
I don’t mean to make this trial greater than I should. I don’t mean to imply that losing a child by a miscarriage is the worst thing I will ever or could ever face. I know many friends who have suffered and are suffering much greater than we are. But this week it has rocked my world. And I’m left questioning.
It somehow took me two and 1/2 hours to write those three short paragraphs. Somehow the eloquence of last week has disappeared. I want to keep this trial in perspective of the goodness of God. I want to realize that while grieving is normal and acceptable, that I also have much to rejoice about. Yet I feel so numb.
I feel like I’m back in that stage where I was years ago with sickness… I know there is hope for heaven, I know one day God will wipe all our tears away. But I’m struggling to find the hope and joy for today. I know the strength for tomorrow will be there… I just long to feel it today.
God is good to me. This is what i believe. It’s not necessarily how I feel. But I will choose to focus on the love that will not let me go.