with hope

Ted and I had a wonderful getaway this past weekend.  He took me to the Sassy Goose for our one year anniversary.  It has been an amazing year and after the craziness of the past few weeks, it was a much needed reprieve.  We were able to just get away and put the world aside for a while.  We were actually the only people at the bed & breakfast all weekend so it was nice and quiet.  There’s just something cathartic about a hammock by a lake and sleeping with the windows open as you hear the crickets and frogs chirping.  For our anniversary meal, Ted took me to HobNob in Brevard… one of the best restaurants I have been to in a long time!  I had scallops and it was great!

This past year has brought amazing joys and struggles.  The joy of friendship and companionship with Ted has been greater than I could even write.  He is my best friend and is just fun to be around :)  In the past year, I’ve learned just a bit of what it means to be a good helper to him, to care for him, etc.  I look forward to continuing to learn these things over the coming years.  I’ve learned more about how to trust God in the unknowns, particularly with my job at BMW that I left in September and in waiting and hoping for children.  The ten months of trying and struggling to trust shook me to my core in ways I had never experienced before.  Watching friend after friend announce a pregnancy left me at times questioning why God would answer their prayers but not mine.  Watching several of those friends then go on to lose a pregnancy left me amazed at their faith and trust in God.  I remember praying during several of those times that God would give me that kind of faith if I ever walked through a similar circumstance.    Faith is trusting in what you can’t see, and truth be told, there have been many times over the past 10 months I haven’t seen the purpose of what God is doing in my life.

And then we found out we were pregnant.  I took the first test at home and was shaking because I was so excited and in shock!!!  Finally our prayers were answered!!!  Then I remembered that I’ve seen God give and take and that I wanted to trust Him no matter what He chose to do with this child.  He’s been so faithful through every trial of my life, and I wanted that confidence to mean something in this unknown as well.  We stopped at Walgreens and bought a digital pregnancy test on the way to church… I wanted to see the word. :)  At Starbucks, when we stopped for a coffee, I used the test.  I prayed while waiting for the results that God would give me an open hand in regards to this child.  I thanked Him for the gift this baby was and prayed that He would be glorified through this baby’s life and my responses as this baby’s mom.  Little did I know that 5 days after that I would be saying goodbye.  I was 6 weeks pregnant.  I knew about it for 5 days.  And my heart was broken when we said goodbye.

But God has been reminding me lately that I can look at this situation with hope.  Anger, despair, frustration, tears and moodiness have all been there too for sure, but underlying it all, there is a hope.  A hope that my God… the One who came to me when I was dying, the One who gave my life hope and a purpose… this God will not leave me hopeless now.  I have felt hopeless over the past week and 1/2.  I’ve felt alone and lonely.  I’ve been discouraged and down many days.  I’ve wept more than I can remember.  I will always hold this sweet baby in my heart.  I cherish the short time we had.

We received the call from the doctors office today that my pregnancy hormone (HCG) levels are now officially back down to zero.  Such bittersweet news.  I am grateful though that my body did this naturally and that I did not need meds or surgery to complete the process.  Hopefully soon the rest of my hormones will go back to a normal level and we can start trying again.  Oh, how that opens up my heart to more fear and worry.  I look forward to the day when I will hold our child in my arms.  But I am scared to walk down this road again.

I still don’t get it.  I don’t understand why.  It doesn’t seem good to me.  But I am seeing God’s faithfulness hold us, and my heart is strengthened.  We’ve said goodbye to our sweet baby Amos.  My heart still aches.  I know it probably always will to some degree.  But I grieve not as one without hope.

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you’ve gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but …

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
‘Cause we know our goodbye is not the end.
And we can grieve with hope
‘Cause we believe with hope
There’s a place where we’ll see your face again.

We have this hope as an anchor
‘Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so …

So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope…

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

  by Stephen Curtis Chapman