my children.


i’ve been dreaming about them when I sleep.  i wish i could hold them.  my womb and heart are empty.  the average american household is 3.14 persons.  we’ve lost nearly that in 7 months.

Let me introduce you to our children.  Ted and I decided to name our babies.  Folks ask “how did you know if it was a boy or a girl since you lost them before you knew?”  Funny, but we never talked about it.  January and July were just girls.  May was a boy.  And somehow if we get to heaven and named our boys a girl name or vice versa, I don’t think they’ll mind :)

Our oldest is Ceana.  Her name means God is gracious.  Ted wanted that reminder every time we think of or talk about our babies we lost.  God is kind and good to us.  Even in taking our sweet babies who we so greatly miss, He is gracious. We had her for only 5 weeks and didn’t even really know for sure until months later.  But I didn’t need lab results to confirm that she was ours for a short time.

And then there is Amos.  He was the first we named.  He was our first “confirmed” pregnancy.  We had him for a little more than 7 weeks.  We named him Amos because he was carried by God (that’s what his name means).  I can’t think of anyone better to carry my son than God himself.  If I can’t hold and carry him, at least I can be comforted knowing he is in amazingly loving hands.

Then comes the newest baby… our sweet Marah.  Her name means bitter.  Remember the children of Israel?  they were in a desert with no water for 3 days and they came to Marah… a salty pond that was not drinkable.  And then there was Naomi. She came back to her homeland after her husband and two sons died and she said “do not call me Naomi. Call me Mara because the Lord has dealt harshly with me.”  Both harsh circumstances.  Yet God redeemed.  He turned the bitter waters sweet.  He provided for Naomi and Ru1h as a result of bringing Naomi back to her homeland.

that’s our prayer with our kids… that we remember that He is gracious… He has our children and He can turn the bitter waters of infertility/loss to sweetness.

We met with the doctor this morning.  She is able to help with some treatments if you’re unable to get pregnant.  But since our problem is keeping, not having pregnancies, she is referring us to a reproductive endocrinologist for further testing.  We’ll most likely have an appointment scheduled within the next few weeks and though we may take a few months off from trying for another child, this will give us things to consider and pray about while we wait.

As for right now, how you can pray for us…

1. Pray that my body will get back to normal quickly.  My uterus is so swollen and inflamed from everything this time that I literally “look” four months pregnant.  That’s hard emotionally.  This miscarriage has been much more painful than the previous ones.  If the pain doesn’t stop by Thursday, the doctor will do an ultrasound and some other tests to make sure my body is doing all it needs to properly.

2. Pray for wisdom to know what doctor / specialist to see and what steps to pursue (and when).

3. Pray for patience for me.  Right now, with how I’m feeling, its easy to want to take a break from this for a while.  but I know once my body gets back to normal, I may struggle with the patience needed to wait until we are able to start trying again.

4. Pray for us financially.  Specifically for Ted.  This puts stress on him in knowing how to budget and prepare.  He’s doing an amazing job but I know he would love your prayers in that area as well.


Thanks for your friendship and care for us . You all have been so helpful and encouraging to us over these past few months!  we are grateful.


3 responses »

  1. praying you will have answers that give you the peace you need really soon. praying for the LORD to heal your body and that the pain goes away. praying you be filled with the overwhelming peace of God as you wait upon His timing and will. While I have been through similar losses, I have not experienced YOUR loss. I pray for your void to be filled with His goodness and strength.

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