moving on. bringing the scars with me.

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“Moving on is a simple thing
What it leaves behind is hard
You know the sleeping feel no more pain
And the living all are scarred.”

Life is moving on whether I like it or not. I haven’t posted much because honestly some days lately just getting out of bed has been an accomplishment. Depression is a funny thing. It hits at random times. And for random reasons. And it has in many ways fought to take over my life.

I think I’m doing better. God has given me the most amazing friends and husband. They continually are patient and kind, and even greater than that, they point me back to my hope in God. I’ve felt very hopeless and lost lately. And then someone reminds me that no matter how I feel, My God is near to the brokenhearted. He is faithful and his ways are good. It’s easy at times like this to feel like God is distant, disconnected and impersonal. And then I open my Bible and see a God that doesn’t match the god of my imagination. I see a God who tested Abraham and Sarah through years of waiting. But I see His nearness in their trial. I see a God who tested Abraham again by asking him to sacrifice that which was the dearest to him. And then I see a God who provides. I see a God who calms not only the seas, but also weary hearts.

I’ve been too weary to read much lately. The Bible has seemed dead at times. Just familiar words lacking life. It’s times like that, when I’m even more grateful for my friends. They point me to truth and remind me of great devotionals i can read too. They point me to great music when I’m too tired to open a book. They pray for me and hope for me when I feel hopeless. Depression makes you feel isolated. My friends and sweet husband keep reminding me that I am not alone. They are near but even greater than that, my God is near to me.

I can’t even put into words all of the emotions of this year. Not only have we experienced deep grief and loss, I have watched my friends walk through much grief as well. I hurt with them. I cry for their losses and I pray that God uses my trials to bring hope to them in theirs. Specifically, I hurt for my friend Charissa, who has unexplained digestion issues and is severely malnourished but the doctors can’t figure out what to do, my friend Melissa, whose 2 year old son is going through treatment for leukemia and my friend Jessica whose brother took his life Friday a week ago. They are experiencing a different grief than I am, and I always want to be aware of what is going on around me. Sometimes it’s just helpful to get my head out of the sand and look around. I’ve had it down a lot lately. To remember that God knows all needs and is able to heal all diseases and cure all wounds is such a comfort. I pray that He will comfort and strengthen them, as He has been doing with me.

I have several books I’m reading lately… The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie, When God Weeps by Joni Ericksen Tada, Beside Still Waters by Spurgeon as well as many of the Psalms. it’s been very helpful. God is being faithful in continuing to hold me.

I need to figure out how to move on. I need to find a job. Due to all the stress both physically and emotionally of the past few months, I was not
able to continue my job. So, I find myself looking for something new. The pregnancy hormones are finally back at zero. Now my body must adjust to a few months of being on birth control while we wait for the effects of the chemo to wear off. Now I can try to work off some of the 40+ pounds I have gained during these last three pregnancies. :(. Thank you my dear
friends for your continued prayers for Ted and I.

I’m not the same as I was. I am scarred and broken. But I pray that as I see both my physical and emotional scars, I will be reminded of my God who heals all. The Balm of Gilead works today and I want this time in my life to bring glory to Him. so, I trust Him as we walk hand in hand on these, the first steps of moving on…

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2 responses »

  1. I tried leaving a comment before but it didn’t let me, so here I go to try again….

    I cannot imagine how weary you are both physically and emotionally. Please know you are constantly being prayed for and you’re always on my mind! I can’t sit here and tell you I know how you feel. I know what it’s like to lose one baby, but not 3. But I do know God knows exactly how you feel. And I know you know that too.

    “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” -Matt 11:28-30

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