This happy holiday season has been mixed with such incredible sadness for me. I rarely listened to Christmas music and we even took our tree down before Christmas had even come and gone. I’ve been so ready for 2011 to be over. Our baby Amos would have been due this week. It was hard to look to this season without remembering our loss.
We lost him in May and picked the name Amos for him (even though it was too early to know the gender) because the name means “carried by God.” We wanted to remember that though our baby was taken from us that he was carried from us by the hands of our loving God. Little did we realize at that point the double meaning that name would hold for us.
As I look back over 2011, it’s definitely been a year where I’ve been carried by God as well… Carried through financial struggles and job losses, three miscarriages, the death of my grandfather and several other family members and friends, a diagnosis of infertility as a complication of the miscarriages, chronic lower back/hip and ear pain (even as I write this) and intense bouts of depression, doubts and questioning.
Ted and I were talking earlier about how this past year seemed defined in many ways by our miscarriages and fertility struggles. While I agree that it has been the biggest struggle of the year, and probably one that I talked about and focused on way more than I should have, when we look back at 2011, we can’t help but see God’s faithful care for us all over the place in the middle of it all too.
I’ve been so ready to move past the grief of 2011 that I can fail to see where God has been at work through my trials… And I don’t want to miss what He’s doing here.
He has surrounded me with amazing friendship and care. He’s placed me in groups where I can care for others because of what I’ve gone through. He’s given me an amazing leader and friend to walk this road with me. When I’ve felt alone, He’s sent along a random text message, hug or phone call to remind me that I’m not. Through the darkness this year has brought I’ve been carried by a God who is greater than the darkness.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. Ps.139