Category Archives: children

my children.

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i’ve been dreaming about them when I sleep.  i wish i could hold them.  my womb and heart are empty.  the average american household is 3.14 persons.  we’ve lost nearly that in 7 months.

Let me introduce you to our children.  Ted and I decided to name our babies.  Folks ask “how did you know if it was a boy or a girl since you lost them before you knew?”  Funny, but we never talked about it.  January and July were just girls.  May was a boy.  And somehow if we get to heaven and named our boys a girl name or vice versa, I don’t think they’ll mind :)

Our oldest is Ceana.  Her name means God is gracious.  Ted wanted that reminder every time we think of or talk about our babies we lost.  God is kind and good to us.  Even in taking our sweet babies who we so greatly miss, He is gracious. We had her for only 5 weeks and didn’t even really know for sure until months later.  But I didn’t need lab results to confirm that she was ours for a short time.

And then there is Amos.  He was the first we named.  He was our first “confirmed” pregnancy.  We had him for a little more than 7 weeks.  We named him Amos because he was carried by God (that’s what his name means).  I can’t think of anyone better to carry my son than God himself.  If I can’t hold and carry him, at least I can be comforted knowing he is in amazingly loving hands.

Then comes the newest baby… our sweet Marah.  Her name means bitter.  Remember the children of Israel?  they were in a desert with no water for 3 days and they came to Marah… a salty pond that was not drinkable.  And then there was Naomi. She came back to her homeland after her husband and two sons died and she said “do not call me Naomi. Call me Mara because the Lord has dealt harshly with me.”  Both harsh circumstances.  Yet God redeemed.  He turned the bitter waters sweet.  He provided for Naomi and Ru1h as a result of bringing Naomi back to her homeland.

that’s our prayer with our kids… that we remember that He is gracious… He has our children and He can turn the bitter waters of infertility/loss to sweetness.

We met with the doctor this morning.  She is able to help with some treatments if you’re unable to get pregnant.  But since our problem is keeping, not having pregnancies, she is referring us to a reproductive endocrinologist for further testing.  We’ll most likely have an appointment scheduled within the next few weeks and though we may take a few months off from trying for another child, this will give us things to consider and pray about while we wait.

As for right now, how you can pray for us…

1. Pray that my body will get back to normal quickly.  My uterus is so swollen and inflamed from everything this time that I literally “look” four months pregnant.  That’s hard emotionally.  This miscarriage has been much more painful than the previous ones.  If the pain doesn’t stop by Thursday, the doctor will do an ultrasound and some other tests to make sure my body is doing all it needs to properly.

2. Pray for wisdom to know what doctor / specialist to see and what steps to pursue (and when).

3. Pray for patience for me.  Right now, with how I’m feeling, its easy to want to take a break from this for a while.  but I know once my body gets back to normal, I may struggle with the patience needed to wait until we are able to start trying again.

4. Pray for us financially.  Specifically for Ted.  This puts stress on him in knowing how to budget and prepare.  He’s doing an amazing job but I know he would love your prayers in that area as well.

 

Thanks for your friendship and care for us . You all have been so helpful and encouraging to us over these past few months!  we are grateful.

trusting God in the unknowns…

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at some point i’ll post the whole story here… but for now just please pray for Ted and I.

We went to the dr today and she did bloodwork because I have still been spotting. We found out Sunday that I am about 5 weeks pregnant!  What a surprise and HUGE answer to prayer that we’ve been praying for months now.  We were shocked and rejoicing and overwhelmed that God would not only heal me from my wheat allergy (see previous post) but also allow us to get pregnant too! :)

Well, the labs came back and said my HCG (pregnancy hormone) is 40. Anything over 5 is considered “pregnant” but 40 is really low. At 5 weeks pregnant (which is what we think I am right now) the level should be about 2000+. The level pretty much doubles with each 48 hour time period you’re pregnant. So, either we got the date wrong and are only about 3 weeks pregnant instead of 5, or i am miscarrying this baby.

i go back thursday morning for bloodwork again to see if the levels have doubled and all is okay or if they have gone down and that is a sign of miscarriage. i’m kind of a wreck right now.

please just be praying. being pregnant by mothers day was a really big deal and now there’s a chance I won’t be. i know God is in control. He gave us this baby and I know he is good even if he takes the baby. but I really don’t want that to happen… i just don’t know what to say.

these are my friends

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“Though my natural instinct is to wish for a life free from pain, trouble, and adversity, I am learning to welcome anything that makes me conscious of my need for Him.  If prayer is birthed out of desperation, then anything that makes me desperate for God is a blessing… Puritan pastor William Gurnall makes this point in his writings, “The hungry man needs no help to teach him how to beg.” Nancy Leigh DeMoss

I’m learning to apply this quote.  I’m learning painfully and slowly and through many tears that anything that makes me desperate for God is a blessing.  I’m learning to meet God in the barrenness that my soul has felt over the past 8 months… though I have continually begged for God to take it away.

It was hard when I realized that this season of trying to conceive a child is now the same length as my worst season of intense migraines several years back.  It seems this is a topic most don’t really talk about openly and I understand why.  But my life has too much of God’s fingerprints on every twist and turn to not share.  And I can’t divorce what I’m going though from who I am.  So, you get it all.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  Looking back at that season of physical pain I have no answers to why.  Looking back all I see is that season brought me closer to God.  And though I didn’t feel that way then, I’m grateful for it.  And though often again I struggle for hope and joy, I know God is at work.

My friends and my sweet husband have hope for me on the days when I have none of my own.  I just want to brag on them.  They have carried me through so many days and tears.  5 new babies. 19 pregnant friends.  And yesterday 19 became 20.  And I wept.  #20 is yet to be publicly announced, but #20 is harder for me than probably all the others combined.  I’m grateful to God for my friends and for Ted.  Here is some of their encouragement to me:

Wish I could hug you right now. So grateful that we can always find comfort and rest in God.  Was just praying for you too.  So wish you weren’t so far away.

“As for me, I would seek God, and to God would I commit my cause, who does great things and unsearchable, marvelous things without number…” Job 5:8

God has laid that on your heart and Ted’s, and so we will walk in that promise, and each month ask for grace…I want you to have a bowl full, a universe full of Hope in Jesus. I want that more than anything, but waiting for a baby is such a difficult hurtful time for anyone as you know. However, as your friend, I have enough hope for the both of us. So for now, I will carry your heart regarding the pain of all of this, praying! Let me also be full of hope for you….When you have dried your tears and are able to get up again by His grace, remind yourself that He will bless you no matter if you are good or bad. Blessings aren’t necessarily earned, they are grace bestowed gifts often given to remind me(us) that they come even when we are at our worst. That is mercy. So, I don’t want you coming home working hard to get any results. I want you coming back to your home resting. (in your heart) Resting in the knowledge that God is steadfast in His love and gracious and merciful and faithful, and He will choose to do things that will bring honor to His precious name. I just want my friend to know that He is for YOU. He is For you! He is for you.

“One thing I think is so awesome through all of this trial is that you and Ted are so close! It is SUCH a blessing to have a husband you can depend on for emotional support!!! Wow =) And this might be bringing you even closer. I really admire your relationship together. I understand how you can feel anger. Wait on the Lord and He will renew your strength.  And smile knowing that you have a wonderful husband and Heavenly Father” =)

Once again, so grateful for my friends and my dear husband.  God has blessed me greatly.  Gives me hope to wait for dawn.

“In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, “So shall your offspring be.” He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead ( since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah’s womb. No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised. That is why his faith was “counted to him as righteousness.” But the words “it was counted to him” were not written for his sake alone, but for ours also.” Romans 4: 18-24