*warning* *you are about to enter a rambling journal entry from a slightly warped mind* :)
I don’t know what’s going on right now in my head (and I’m not talking about the bacterial infection lovingly known as “Mike” – he’s still there but is withering, praise God!) What I’m referring to is this – I’m not worrying. I’m not concerned about tomorrow. I’m simply enjoying today. I’m taking things one at a time and that’s it. I sat on my bedroom floor last night, completely relaxed just sitting there simply being happy doing nothing. I enjoyed an evening of roasting hot dogs and marshmallows with the kids and had no concern for my pile of dirty laundry. I went to bed early and woke up refreshed (albeit with a wicked headache that was crying for more sleep).
Honestly I don’t know if this is what trusting God is (and feels) like. I don’t know if I’m resting there or if I’m becoming apathetic. Sometimes I wonder if they can feel the same. Let me explain…
When I’m worrying, I am focused on each detail. I am concerned about every step, wondering what the answer is. I wonder if God has forgotten me and is deaf to my requests. But on the other hand, when I’m trusting, I have the freedom to simply rest in today, trust God as the One in control and find a sweet freedom there as I continue being faithful to each step He’s called me to.
The only problem with that is my heart is deceitful. My heart is SO prone to wander. Apathy can also look like “resting in today and having no concern for tomorrow.” It can look like “let go and let God.” It can look like a desire for too much leisure and no desire to take up my sword and go to battle.
The issue with that is that God has called me to battle. Sure, he’s called me to rest in Him, but there is still a warfare going on for the conquest of my soul, my thoughts, my desires, and my will. The battle for my soul was won on the cross when Christ compelled me by the love in the three words “it is finished,” but the battle for my will continues daily through this process called sanctification – the process that is transforming selfish, sin-filled me into a daughter of God which miraculously reflects the image of my beautiful Jesus.
I fear I may be neglecting that battle. I wonder if I am beginning to use my physical pain as an excuse to neglect God. My overall devotion to God is there, and by His grace, is growing. But my devotion to the “small” things in life (give 100% in all things, take care of my body as a temple, die to selfishness and pride, yearn for the life-giving Word – thirst for that more than anything, etc) – the devotion is not there like I know it should be.
Now this is the point when I need to remind myself that in spite of ALL my failures, God is faithful. He who began a great work in me WILL complete it. By His grace and through His work, I WILL hear “welcome home, my good and faithful servant” – for when God looks at me, He sees the righteousness of the only Good and Faithful Servant.
But I need more grace. I am needy of the sustaining grace to continue the fight. I don’t want to be content with my current status. I want to keep growing. I want God’s work to continue transforming me. I need His reviving grace. I need His persevering grace.
Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint.” —Isaiah 40:31
“The righteous shall hold on his way.” —Job 17:9
“I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you.” —John 14:18
Even so, Lord Jesus, COME! Come to this heart that daily turns away. Continue to pursue. Continue to work. Be faithful to what You’ve promised. Continue what you’ve begun, for without that continual grace, I am without hope. I am so weak, and even my desire for growth is inhibited by my lack of ability to create the growth that only by your grace I desire. But praise God, my lack of ability is met by an all-sufficient Savior. How I need that all-sufficiency to once again pour its grace into my life. How needy I am each step of the way.
Do not let my heart become apathetic to your grace. Keep me within the distance of the cries of Calvary. Let my hope be in the words you cried that day – “it is finished…” “you will be with Me in Paradise…” “I thirst…” “my God, why have You forsaken Me?…” Sweet Jesus, you thirsted so that I could be filled. You were forsaken, so that I would be a part of the marvelous Family. You gave so that I might receive. Grant me once again, the grace to realize each step is by your grace alone.
Each promise uttered that day on the Cross was because of Your righteousness. Let that provide the hope to my apathetic soul. Let that compel my trust in You. Keep me close to that grace. Provide it, in your mercy, ever-abundantly to this needy soul.