In the past two weeks, my plate has been full …working full time again, fighting one of the worst ear infections (STILL) that I can remember, planning 2 parties for two dear friends and celebrating the births of five friends babies… that’s just life though. life is always busy. one month its party planning, the next month its something else. I think where I really feel full is emotionally. As of yesterday, Ted and I are now in month 8 of trying to conceive a child of our own. My heart is full. and heavy. And mourning.
I love John Piper’s poem “Job.” It is a four-part poem and so many of the lines describe where I am emotionally. Not saying my struggles and pains are on equal par with Job, but my heart can sure relate. One thing I’m grateful for though is that my friends are no comparison to his. What a comfort they have been to me lately. random e-mails. from MANY people over the last week. lots of prayers and facebook messages and I can just feel the compassion and love. Thank you.
“I came with nothing from the womb,
I go with nothing to the tomb.
God gave me children freely, then
He took them to himself again.
At last I taste the bitter rod,
My wise and ever blessed God.”
… so count the cost;
And ponder everything we’ve lost.
And let us bow before the throne
Of God, who gives and takes his own,
And promises, whatever toll
He takes, to satisfy our soul.
Come learn the lesson of the rod:
The treasure that we have in God.
He is not poor nor much enticed
Who loses everything but Christ.
I rejoice with my friends. I can’t wait to hold their babies. But how I long for and pray for a baby Riley (many in fact) soon. I’m 29 and my husband is 36. We really would love a large family and I would love to be pregnant with so many of my close friends. My heart is rejoicing yet also breaking. I struggle to see the kindness of God when He chooses to take. Yet I know his timing is good. But to my heart it feels anything but good. But I see his faithfulness through every step of my life, so my faith is strengthened in this trial as I look back. Like Job I say…
O God, I cling
With feeble fingers to the ledge
Of your great grace, yet feel the wedge
Of this calamity struck hard
Between my chest and this deep-scarred
And granite precipice of love.
guess I’m just weary. Weary of the fight. Feeling hopeless… Knowing God has never promised me a child that I will hold in my arms so struggling with how to persevere in faith in my request. We both would love to adopt but right now there is not a peace to pursue that. But the desire is there. And God keeps asking us to pray in faith. That in and of itself is a glimmer of hope.
One little flame when all is night,
Proves there is such a thing as light.
One answered prayer when all is gone,
Will give you hope to wait for dawn.
I know part of the struggle is the physical weakness. My body is worn down from the infection. Cramps never help either. I am adjusting to a new schedule. All while in this dichotomy of rejoicing with others yet grieving for myself. So many hurts resurfacing from my past as I face all this yet again.
Oh so weary. Thank you friends for your prayers. Thank you for listening to the Spirit and for caring for me. More grateful than words can express.
Beware the thought that all is vain,
In time God’s wisdom will be plain.
…What we have lost God will restore
When he is finished with his art,
The silent worship of our heart.
When God creates a humble hush,
And makes Leviathan his brush,
It won’t be long until the rod
Becomes the tender kiss of God.